I feel this. Thank you for writing. I felt awhile back that God gave me an answer - a firm "no" - to the question of whether I would ever be healed from my mental illness, but even so I have always felt guilty for not holding onto the hope of that healing. Thank you for pointing out that I never had to hold that specific hope in that way anyway. I can still have hope, just hope in Christ. Beautiful.
This resonates deeply in my own prolonged suffering. Thank you. And Tim Keller’s book is a gift. It carried me through my own pain. Bless you. What you are walking isn’t for the faint of heart, and choosing faith every time is a warrior’s task.
I can relate to this so much. I have been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately (I was in the middle of one at Jonny’s wedding). I know this is a chronic condition for me. I don’t know if I have given up on being healed, or am comfortable here because it’s what I know. But I do realize that when I can sit with Jesus in it, he draws closer. But, it’s like a spiral staircase. I’m still going up, yet I keep coming back to that same place of depression and anxiety. Onward and upward.
I needed this. You put into words how I feel, and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one. I've known Jesus my whole life, but in the past few years in the midst of heartache and deep disappointment with three of my adult kids deciding He's not real or good, largely due to church hurt, I've grown cynical and numb, and it's scary. When a Christian I know dies, I find myself insanely jealous. I have a new grand baby. What is wrong with me? I also have devoured audio books, yours being one of them. I sometimes cry healing tears and feel a little hope in the moment, but it quickly fades as I go about my day. So many petty things trigger my cynicism and anger, but I manage to stuff it but it comes out in subtle ways that leave me feeling so much self-hatred and shame. But I see God show me in small ways that He sees me, but it just doesn't seem to sink deep into my being. It's more of an acknowledgement that I know it's true, but I so desperately want to really know and experience it. Thank you for being so honest and real. I wish I could give all my kids your book to read, but they're not open to anything that smells like Christianity. Even though I have a good relationship with them all, it feels like I have no real significant influence in their lives. I know that's a lie from the enemy, but it feels true.
I’m so sorry for your heartache. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to go through this with your children. My pain is deep but has a much different source, though I relate the the hardness of heart and despair that you related. Recently I decided every time my mind wanted to wallow or I was feeling sad or hopeless I was going to praise and sing worship. Even if I couldn’t fully engage my mind or heart. My favorite are the simple 80s/90s worship songs I grew up with. I finally found breakthrough after four years of daily struggle when I began this practice. The hard parts softening, feeling more presence of the Lord, and even some breakthrough in my own personal heartbreak situation. It was something I could “do” when I felt helpless over my situation. And truly probably way more powerful than anything I could ever do anyway. I’m not sure if this is helpful, but I wanted to share. God bless you. May God work in the unseen in your situation, in your children’s hearts, and draw them back into an even deeper and more meaningful relationship with him, and bring peace to your heart in the waiting. Amen.
Thank you, Steph. This was definitely a God moment. I just discovered that there's an app for this and downloaded it this morning. I'm not sure I would have seen your comment otherwise. I'm having more moments of hope in the waiting. I like the idea you said that praise is something I can "do" in the waiting.
Beautiful, Brenna. I’m right there with you - running helps me too, sort, process, escape, connect. Thanks for your words this morning. What a gracious Father we have.
I feel this. Thank you for writing. I felt awhile back that God gave me an answer - a firm "no" - to the question of whether I would ever be healed from my mental illness, but even so I have always felt guilty for not holding onto the hope of that healing. Thank you for pointing out that I never had to hold that specific hope in that way anyway. I can still have hope, just hope in Christ. Beautiful.
This was so relatable.
This resonates deeply in my own prolonged suffering. Thank you. And Tim Keller’s book is a gift. It carried me through my own pain. Bless you. What you are walking isn’t for the faint of heart, and choosing faith every time is a warrior’s task.
I can relate to this so much. I have been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately (I was in the middle of one at Jonny’s wedding). I know this is a chronic condition for me. I don’t know if I have given up on being healed, or am comfortable here because it’s what I know. But I do realize that when I can sit with Jesus in it, he draws closer. But, it’s like a spiral staircase. I’m still going up, yet I keep coming back to that same place of depression and anxiety. Onward and upward.
I needed this. You put into words how I feel, and it's comforting to know I'm not the only one. I've known Jesus my whole life, but in the past few years in the midst of heartache and deep disappointment with three of my adult kids deciding He's not real or good, largely due to church hurt, I've grown cynical and numb, and it's scary. When a Christian I know dies, I find myself insanely jealous. I have a new grand baby. What is wrong with me? I also have devoured audio books, yours being one of them. I sometimes cry healing tears and feel a little hope in the moment, but it quickly fades as I go about my day. So many petty things trigger my cynicism and anger, but I manage to stuff it but it comes out in subtle ways that leave me feeling so much self-hatred and shame. But I see God show me in small ways that He sees me, but it just doesn't seem to sink deep into my being. It's more of an acknowledgement that I know it's true, but I so desperately want to really know and experience it. Thank you for being so honest and real. I wish I could give all my kids your book to read, but they're not open to anything that smells like Christianity. Even though I have a good relationship with them all, it feels like I have no real significant influence in their lives. I know that's a lie from the enemy, but it feels true.
I’m so sorry for your heartache. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to go through this with your children. My pain is deep but has a much different source, though I relate the the hardness of heart and despair that you related. Recently I decided every time my mind wanted to wallow or I was feeling sad or hopeless I was going to praise and sing worship. Even if I couldn’t fully engage my mind or heart. My favorite are the simple 80s/90s worship songs I grew up with. I finally found breakthrough after four years of daily struggle when I began this practice. The hard parts softening, feeling more presence of the Lord, and even some breakthrough in my own personal heartbreak situation. It was something I could “do” when I felt helpless over my situation. And truly probably way more powerful than anything I could ever do anyway. I’m not sure if this is helpful, but I wanted to share. God bless you. May God work in the unseen in your situation, in your children’s hearts, and draw them back into an even deeper and more meaningful relationship with him, and bring peace to your heart in the waiting. Amen.
Thank you, Steph. This was definitely a God moment. I just discovered that there's an app for this and downloaded it this morning. I'm not sure I would have seen your comment otherwise. I'm having more moments of hope in the waiting. I like the idea you said that praise is something I can "do" in the waiting.
Beautiful, Brenna. I’m right there with you - running helps me too, sort, process, escape, connect. Thanks for your words this morning. What a gracious Father we have.