What Left Me Empty in 2024

Photo by Izz R on Unsplash

At the start of 2024 I held my breath as I looked forward to a year that seemed beyond belief: Exiles in Babylon, appearing on With The Perry’s and releasing my very first book. All those things tumbled into more…an amazon no.1 release…half a dozen more appearances with pastors I never imagined meeting…becoming an EPCA best seller.

All things that felt life changing and yet, my life is not so much changed by these things as much as it is changed in the realization that these things do not make up “the good life”. They did not fulfill me, soothe me, bring me rest or give me hope. While they are truly good gifts and surprises from the Lord that I have enjoyed, each one failed to give me a sense of “wholeness”.

It is not as if I put stock into these things to complete me… but I did have some small sense that achievement of the “status shifting” events in life would somehow make me feel more settled…more content, more at home in my life.

I know I am not the only person that has felt this way.

But the truth is: Though the desire to reach beyond ourselves for fulfillment, satisfaction and contentment is natural - it is not sufficient.

The slightly larger house, newer car, better paying job…. The hair dye, makeup, weight loss plan, Graduate degree, latest trend…the more subscribers, brand or book deals, rankings and awards…all fill us but with momentary glee until it becomes like cotton candy soaked in water.

As slightly larger speaking engagements lined up and my follower count grew I started to become more aware of how hollow these things are. My anxiety only became worse as the micro hope for some sense of peace to come through “just a little more” dashed against the rocks time and time again.

It was not until I logged off social media, cancelled the rest of my interviews, stopped reading the book reviews, signed out of my emails and left the house that things started to become more clear.

As I pushed my three year old down the rainy sidewalk nearly every day of December I started to realize: If I never spoke again, if my accounts got deleted, if no one ever knew my name…even if I never get relief from mental health struggles, if I am never healed in this lifetime….

This is still a very good life.

If I have Christ beside me, and if he goes before me, the life of suffering, of mundane, of less…is a very good life.

So I want you to know the “good life” is the life you already have. It is the life you have been given paired with the lived out joy found in the fact that Christ is all we truly need and in that: “everything I think I dont have, I have in Christ”.

It is the delectation of the sun's setting and rising each day with colors that still seem brand new.

It is the endearing warmth of another’s arms around us in moments of grief and triumph

It is the privilege of feeding tiny mouths and cleaning tiny hands.

It is the comfort of Christ as an ember in your darkest night.

It is seeing all life: the suffering and ease, the loss and surprise of gain, as beyond need and therefore a gift. To be continually unwrapped like a child with great anticipation.

He keeps giving, so won't we, with the empty hands we came with, keep receiving.

Substack in 2025: If you enjoy these blogs I would love to encourage you to become a paid subscriber - as my work load increases elsewhere, it does take time and effort to carve out space in order to continue writing here. Your support and encouragement mean so much to me! Moving forward ½ of all my blogs will be for paid subscribers only.

Prayer Requests for 2025: I am heading into the busiest season of speaking I have ever had. It is such a gift to come alongside ministries and churches to preach the gospel as well as be invited to share that through the book. This is a rare season in response to the book and will not be ongoing: I am convicted to keep my speaking engagements and travel limited as my first loves and ministry remain at home (my family). I would love prayer for my family, for our protection, for my boys to fall in love with Christ, for Austin and I’s marriage to continue to be protected and our friendship to grow.

Prayer that God would use the words I prepare to teach, that I would continue to live clinging to Christ and stay above reproach and resist temptation, especially when wrestling through seasons of mental health struggle. Prayer that God would speak loudly and significantly to the next season of life as I continue to discern what ministry will look like in the future. Prayers as I hear God in crafting the next book.