Turning Nightmares Into Dreams

How God is using My Spare Time

Photo by Pat Whelen on Unsplash

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Packing my baby dolls onto my hips, I trained hard for my future reality…so when I felt God calling me to pursue a Theology and Bible degree I was a bit confused. Sure, this degree is truly helpful in all aspects of life, but that was a lot of money spent on an education that wouldn’t be used in a vocation, until ministry became my vocation.

I remember it so clearly, nursing my 3 month old while writing papers on ethical and theological issues thinking “…wait a second…I really love this”. The conversations, the thoughtfulness and the work. I loved getting up in the morning and having something to apply myself to outside of the normal day to day house work. So when part time teaching, speaking, writing and other ministry engagements continued to present themselves, I gladly (with the help of my husband/co-parent) took those opportunities.

It also became apparent how helpful work was for my mental health, finding school and seasons with more “out of the house” jobs to be the ones where depression was hardly present. But with this I still hold the conviction to be home with my kids a majority of the time — so writing and speaking takes place at nights, on weekends and with Tuesday’s set aside for extra prep. But that gives me Mondays, Wednesdays-Fridays with my babies. And thats only when I am getting ready for a speaking engagement or working on a manuscript…so as you can imagine, there are some lulls in my schedule.

If I had my choice, Id speak 6-8 times a year with each engagement equally spread across my schedule. Id sit in with more churches in their staff meetings to provide feedback and input on issues surrounding sexuality, mental health and the view point of women in the church. Id drink a lot of coffee with a lot of dear people. But as it stands, I am avoiding laundry and dishes… and with an only half full speaking schedule for 2024 so far, this is a decent picture of 2/3rds of my year.

I understand the gift of being able to choose to work and choose to stay home — that is something so many people do not have the option over…and I am wildly thankful for the both and. That I get to stay home AND work. That Austin’s job is enough for us financially for me to not have to work. But I also ache for the 1. the passion I have to teach the Bible and 2. the mental health help that work is. So the lull has traditionally been set in my mind as a bit of a nightmare. Another Tuesday without editing to do…I guess Ill clean the house and try to muscle through the numbness that creeps in. Another month not getting to teach and travel, Ill try to dive back into the learning resources I have, the books, the lectures, the podcasts…to better equip myself for the next time I am sent out..and distract myself from that emptiness that tends to make itself known when I am not connecting with others through work.

Will it always be like this? Months on and months off? Sadness when the “speaking inquiry” inbox remains empty, when theres no podcast interviews on the calendar? When the book has been written and theres not much else to do? I know more work is in my future (and I know these kids will be in school full time before I know it), but while I am called to be available to my kids in this season…will the rest of the “in betweens” and “empty moments” be just that…empty, mundane moments?

These are the questions that have filled the last three months for me. As I feel a clarity forming for the next season (that is when my kids are school aged) I cant help but feel a fog forming over this season. At the end of days and weeks I compile heaps of sadness, trying to look forward to those few engagements and book release moments sprinkled sparingly throughout my iphone calendar. And as I cry, occasionally I voice these pains to Christ.

So who will be surprised to know that my friend, who has seen all this, cared for all this and orchestrated all this…has a response.

I suppose it started long before any of this. I was 18 and skeptical at best, full of disdain for the christian God who couldn’t care enough to save me from abuse or the hell of mental health issues. Add to that the sexuality struggles and God was the last person on earth I wanted to talk to. But here I was in the rain forest of Maui Hawaii watching the transformation of someone else just like me take place through prayer.

Jade was funny, hilarious actually and a fellow native PNWer. Between that and her confession of “last week I got high and broke into someones house…just to eat their food” sent me. I needed to be friends with this girl. So whenever she asked if I wanted to hangout…of course my answer was an immediate “YES”. We both experienced the odd first week of Youth With A Mission (a 6 month mission trip for post high school grads that we ended up on together), mutually stating that we weren’t really sure what it was all about or if it was “for us”.

As we sat outside in the grass our conversation slowed and Jade got a concerned look on her face. “Uhhh…Ive been hearing voices” she said with that stoner slow and silly speech, the one that reminds you of California. Me and one other friend, who joined the conversation, looked at her, equally concerned when one of us asked “well…what are they saying??”.

“Where are you?”.

I think I laughed, trying to reassure her “you’re right here!!”. We all tried to brush off the moment and continue on with a more normal conversation. About 15 minutes later a YWAM leader approached us with their Bible in hand.

“Hey girls, can I interrupt?” We shrugged our shoulders, a bit bothered to be impeded upon by one these “Bible obsessed, always good, super christian leaders” who wouldnt approve of half of our conversations, but we also weren’t totally rude.

“I was just spending time praying in my room” (I probably rolled my eyes in that moment) “and I felt like God wanted me to read Jade something, is that okay?”

She’s probably going to force some verse about obeying and tie it to not doing weed I internally thought, since thats how much of these interactions have gone.

But instead the leader tipped her Bible open and began thumbing through the pages of this giant book until she landed in Genesis.

“Okay, here..Ill read and then you tell me if it means anything to you…” then she began to read out loud.

Genesis 3:9-10

⁹ But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

¹⁰ He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

We just stared, silently, as Jade looked like she had just seen a real life ghost. After a few moments of stuttering, Jade shared about the voices. “I think…that has been the Holy Spirit, Jade. I think God has been chasing after you — can I pray with you now?”

Jade nodded, still in shock. Me and our other friend stood there just as dumbfounded as can be, unsure of what to do…so we didnt do anything. We just watched. The leader prayed that Jade would surrender to God and thanked Him for His pursuit of her. She asked Jade if she wanted to surrender, and as Jade was now crying, she nodded gently. Jade essentially gave her life to Christ in that moment…and when she opened her eyes…me and the other girl almost doubled over. Jade’s eyes were crystal clear blue…where as moments before they were as close to gray as blue eyes could get. It was like in one moment she was near death and now…she was alive.

I could not explain this moment. Not the eyes, not God sending a leader out to pray for her…not the leader knowing what verse to read…none of it. There was no logical answer for what I just witnessed. All I knew was that…this God might be real…and these things are happening because of prayer.

A leader prayed to hear God. God spoke, and spoke specifically, both about Jade and what she needed to hear. Then Jade prayed to surrender to Christ…and the next 6 months I witnessed the fruit of that choice in her life. She was changing. As she changed, she prayed for more growth in Christ.

This experience caused me to do two things. Read the New Testament cover to cover, several times, to figure out who this Jesus person is…and pray. Because prayer…did something.

Ever since that moment I have walked through anemic seasons of prayer and deep seasons of prayer. I have gotten bored, fallen asleep, gotten words, pictures, forgotten peoples names, been told specific things, heard nothing at all, been reminded of verses, been met in the middle of suffering, tantrums and heartache. I have heard God and silence. I have felt close and far in those moements. But the one place prayer hasnt bled into in my life has been the mundane.

As we saw movements of revival throughout 2023, I felt the pilot light kick back on. As I spent another extended time in the psych ward, prayer was consistent, and as our home church marched through hardship and change, prayer was easy to run to. But my Tuesdays without work? My months without travel? My empty schedule, ripe for laundry and meal prep and deep cleaning accompanied by the ache of mental health and monotony…sure it led to some “please fill my schedule” prayers and “please let me not kill these tiny…and opinionated humans” prayers, but nothing beyond that, because living my nightmare of boredom and mundane was hard enough.

But what if prayer was the answer?

As I continued to shove my emptiness full of distraction through books, one became transformative.

Praying Like Monks, Living Like Fools by Tyler Staton showed up in my library cart after waiting for months. By now my excitement to read it was nowhere to be found, but I chucked on as it would at least filled the silence. And then I listened…and listened…and could not stop listening. And when it ended I realized the gift I have in the empty moments: they can be filled with prayer. And prayer is never wasted.

As I have started to fill these lingering moments and days with conversations with Christ, I am Invited to dream with Him…not about what I want or my future but about God’s will. His kingdom coming, his burden for others, his plan for today. I am reminded to show up with honesty. To tell him about my worries and frustrations and aches. I am encouraged to ask how I can join his kingdom mission. I am encouraged to listen for His still small voice. And before I know it…these days have become full. Full of the one thing I need and cant live without. Full of the one voice that has truth to give in my greatest emptiness. Full of grace for my children at the end of the longest mondays. Full of dreaming about those living in darkness seeing a Great Light.

So while I still pray for more teaching engagements and work, I also find myself with an eagerness for those still “empty” days, because prayer…is never wasted and what a wonderful way to labor with God through conversation with Him.

So what about you? Has prayer been a rhythm in your life? If so, what has that brought about? If not, what has held you back from it? Or, what excites you about the idea of implementing this new practice? Do you want to join me? I know I will not do it perfectly, but here I can be kept accountable. I want to look back on 2024 as the year where God taught me how to come faithfully to Him in prayer.