The Apology That Never Came
What Church Hurt Taught Me About Freedom in Christ
— Church Hurt. What do those words spark for you? Maybe you feel exhausted by the phrase that seems to accompany other buzzwords like “deconstruction” or “ex-evangelical.” Or maybe you feel seen; identified because of very real and painful experiences. Maybe it was in the past, or something you’re still working through. No matter what crosses you mind when you hear the word ‘Church Hurt’, we need to acknowledge two things: 1. It’s real, and 2. It’s creating a monster of broken relationships and disunity.
So many who have been hurt find themselves in the vicious cycle of church shop, hop and drop. But why? While there are many reasons, I’ve found that often Christian nomads cling to a common thread: Conflict avoidance.
This is not to be said without nuance. In so many cases, avoidance (or rather: seeking safety/fleeing harm) is the wisest choice. When abuse is involved, we are playing by whole other set of rules. So before we move forward please hear me say: if you have experienced the church hurt of abuse, this conversation is not aimed at you. However, if you are like me and have experienced the mixed bag of the “both and” I would love for you to keep reading.
If you’ve spent any time in a church family, you know that friends will wrong you, leadership won’t always do things the way you’d like or agree with, and conflict is unavoidable. The question I continue to wrestle with as a person apart of the body has simply been “What will we do with this?”
My responses have ran the full range over the last 11 years. Early on I both ran and yelled. Leaving the community and going to anyone who would listen, trying to warn others about the possibility of danger if they stayed or joined the same community I had been in. I have also stayed and steeped. Remaining in the hurtful community, stewing in bitterness while trying to white knuckle what I thought was both faithfulness and the best practice.
But can I tell you that both of these practices rotted my soul? The first turned me into someone who was eager for the failure of that first community and the second…made me a poor part of that body, unable and unwilling to function as Christ had called me. I was useless and hard hearted while still remaining ineffective towards the true issues at hand. These communities were problematic, they did induce pain under the banner of Christ….but my response wasn’t doing anything to change that.
To say I realized this early on would be a lie. It really has taken 11 years of discipleship, mentorship and experiencing more church hurt to start to figure out how to respond as a follower of Jesus. The good news is… there IS hope in dealing with conflict and church hurt. There are ways we, as people who are chasing after Jesus, can enter into helpful and changing engagement with those churches and people who have caused us pain…and it doesn’t have to end in a social media post or finding yourself at a new welcome booth every Sunday morning.
However, it takes realistic self reflection. It requires an unoffendable spirit. And it is essential that we invite the Holy Spirit (and often) trusted mentors (who love Jesus and His word more than they love you…) to speak into our situation.
So where do we start?
When conflict arises, start with prayer.
God wants to hear your pain, your grief and your experiences. He draws near to those who are broken hearted and… He cares about justice. He cares about how His Church is representing His name. Go to God with honesty. Poor your heart out to Him.
After we have done this, we also have to ask a hard question. It is a question I have avoided many many times. But it is also a question that has proven to bless and teach me on the other side of conflict and it is this:
“What have I done, and what can I do?”
It might be easy to read this and wince. I get it. When we’ve been hurt by spiritual leaders, we hope and pray they have the maturity and wisdom to make things right. We wait for the phone call, or the email or the meeting…but it doesn’t come. In disappointment, in the moments our community has let us down, our harboring hurt grows. This has always been true in my life. At this point, for so many of us, the easiest thing to do is leave quietly, find a new church, and make it home. But in doing this, are we ignoring a biblical command? Have we overlooked a responsibility that God has placed on us, the ones who have been hurt?
“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
-Matthew 18:15-17
It took me a while to realize just what kind of hurt I had sustained, but once that picture was clear, my heart clung to the injustice I had experienced. How could a leadership team, who loves God and felt called to love people, let this happen to me? As I waited for the apology, it never came, and my bitterness grew until it stole from me. I could no longer look at anyone involved with this ministry in kindness. They had hurt me, and anyone who partnered with them was partnering with harm under the guise of ‘Christian.’ Or so my clouded mind thought, until the gentle suggestion of a friend dared to ask, “Have you ever considered sharing with them what you experienced?”
I was angry…pissed to be honest…why was this falling on my shoulders when I am the victim? But her soft words rang in my head for days, until the Holy Spirit gave me the final nudge, “Just write a letter.”
This emotionally draining exercise took weeks to simply write..much less send. But my heart was in for something it never expected. Kindness. Repentance and Clarity.
Through the willingness to communicate (and do so not out of anger but a place of factuality and calmness, only thanks to my mentor walking with me through this) I had learned that much of my hurt was hidden from leadership, and thus giving them no real way to advocate for me. And while they apologized earnestly for not having a better idea of what was going on…I realized I had ignored my part. I did not go to them as I was being sinned against. Instead, I left without a word to those who could’ve helped and that sin grew sin in me (bitterness and hate).
This experience, although deeply painful, could have ended in reconciliation much sooner if I had clung to the words of Christ. People (who make up the church) will hurt us…and we will hurt people. (When I remember this, I am much more willing to put this into practice as I hope people who have been hurt by me will also approach me with clarity, calmness and a hope for reconciliation).
The bottom line is..If we love Christ, we must also love and honor the Church (keep His commands). And if our church home is truly our home, and our church family is truly our family, we treat them as such.
If you have experienced church hurt, please know that God cares. He desires to hear you. Also know, reconciliation and freedom from bitterness and anger is possible because of the God we follow.